S3E2: Getting Rid of the "But"

This week I'm talking about what happens when we use "but" to say something and then immediately negate it, or when we start our sentences with "no", "but", or "however". This seemingly harmless habit can cause our communications to break down, or to cause us to be seen as ineffective communicators or people who don't listen. 

Note that no butts were harmed in the making of this podcast. 

Referenced in this episode:

• S2E9: Overapologizing and Minimizing Yourself
• What Got You Here Won't Get You There [affiliate link] by Marshall Goldsmith and Mark Reiter

Have a wonderful week!

Transcript

Dianne:   0:00
Hello, everyone. This is Dianne Whitford with Coffee, Grit, and Inspiration, and this is your weekly Coffee Break podcast where we are making personal development accessible, one episode at a time. This is Season three episode two. Those of you who have been following along for a while, may notice that today's episode is late. It's It should have come out on Wednesday, today's Saturday, and so it's definitely late. I had a little bit of a rough week last week traveling. I traveled to Nashville, Tennessee. Ah, you may or may not know there were some tornadoes there this week. I touched down in my plane about an hour before the tornado did, and the next morning, when I woke up, I saw all the news stories and heard all about all the devastation that had happened. It was pretty significant. There was loss of life, definitely loss of property, very difficult. I feel very fortunate that I was not caught in it, but that and the...it wasn't until I traveled that I really started to realize how the Coronavirus is affecting things like travel. The plane that I was on - which I've flown that flight several times - that plane was almost empty. People are afraid to travel. There's a lot of communications going around from people who who know what they're talking about, and some that don't know what they're talking about and lots and lots of information out there. And I think that people are just being really, really cautious right now. And I didn't really see it because I work from home most of the time and and so I don't, I don't necessarily see what's happening in the world around me. It's when I travel that I kind of see that. And I saw that last week so that - all of those things kind of conspired against me and I was not able to get the podcast out on time.  

Dianne:   1:50
So So all of that aside, you're getting your podcast today. And today I want to talk a little bit about something that I've touched on before and that is getting rid of the "but". And I don't mean "butt" like your rear end or what you sit on. I mean, "but", like "I hear you, but..." or "I'm listening, but..." or starting a sentence with "no", "but", or "however". Something along those lines. That's what we're going to talk about today. When you use words  like"no", "but", or "however",  in your sentences, especially when you're talking to somebody else, it can leave the impression with the people listening to you that what they're saying is not important, that what you're saying is more important or that something that was just said or that even you just said isn't actually true or that you don't mean it.  

Dianne:   2:41
When you, for example, when you start a sentence with "no" for example, someone's talking to you, they're trying to explain something to you, and you're jumping and saying "No, but blah, blah, blah" whatever or "no, listen to this" or "no, but..." you know, whatever, that is can be seen as argumentative. It could be seen as defensive it can...it really gives the impression to the people that are listening to you that you are not listening to them. When you use "but" in a sentence, for example, "I am listening, but here's my point of view" or "I'm listening, but have you thought of this..." or "I'm listening, but..." whatever, the "but" negates everything that came before. Those words literally mean "here's the exception to what was just said" or "what was just said wasn't true" or it's a rejection or a denial of something that was just said. It presents a a little bit of a negative viewpoint. So you're saying "I heard what you just said and I'm rejecting it" or "I'm not really listening, I just want you to hear my point of view". I think it's pretty clear that that would get in the way of communication. It will get in the way of people listening to you and it gets in the way of you listening to other people.  

Dianne:   3:44
I mean, think about it. What do you hear if someone says to you, "I'm listening, but you're not making sense". Do you believe that person is listening to you? Or do you believe that they think you're not making sense? The first part of that sentence, "I'm listening to you" is negated by the second part, "but you're not making sense". The point they want you to hear is that you're not making sense, not that they're listening to you. Because honestly, when somebody says something like that to me, I don't believe that they're actually listening.

Dianne:   4:08
There's a couple things you can you can say instead, you know? Instead of saying "I'm listening, but you're not making sense", you could say "I'm listening and I'm trying to understand. Not sure I understand what you just said." "I hear you. I think I understand. Have you thought about blah, blah, blah?" Those things are more affirming statements than "I'm listening, but..." It helps the person feel like you are actually listening, that you're trying to understand what it is that they're trying to say.

Dianne:   4:33
Fixing something like this... It may seem harmless, right? It's just like a like what we've been talking about before, apologizing or other things where it's sort of just a habit. It's a habit you say, and it could be construed as harmless, but it's one of those interpersonal behaviors or those interpersonal behavior tics that will get in your way as you're trying to be a more effective communicator. People could stop listening to you, especially if you do it all the time. I can tell you that I've had experience with people before, where every time I try to talk to them and I'm trying, especially in a situation where I'm their manager and they're...and they're...and supposedly they're listening to me and I'm trying to give them some guidance. And every time I tell them something, they jump right in with "No, but..." or "no, let me tell you my side of the story" or "but what about blah, blah, blah?"  

Dianne:   5:19
I know that they're...they feel like they're presenting me with a different point of view, and I know that it's possible that they're doing that because they don't feel heard. But I will tell you that when someone jumps in as soon as I'm done talking with with "no, but" or "but" or something else, that it tells me they're not taking in what I'm telling them they're not processing it, and whatever they're about to tell me does not have any thought or intention behind it. They didn't listen to what I said. They were just waiting for me to finish talking so they could jump in. And that, that is frustrating for me. I don't feel heard, and so I don't feel like hearing them. And maybe they're doing that because they don't feel heard by me. It is, it speaks to a bigger problem in the communication between two people than just a nervous tic or just a nervous habit.  

Dianne:   6:02
I think that when we use that kind of behavior because we're not feeling heard, we need to think about why we're not feeling heard. It may totally be because the other person is not a great listener because they're not actively listening to what we're saying. But it could also be because we're not making our points in a way that will enable us to be heard well. Almost all problems in communication have two sides. There are problems on both sides. Maybe one person isn't actively listening. One person is not being concise. One person isn't really paying attention, they're distracted; the other person takes a long time to get to the point. There's never only one side having a problem, and so you can't affect that other person and how well they're listening to you. But you can affect how well you present your points. You can, you can affect how much thought you're putting into what you're hearing and structuring your responses in a way that is not this knee jerk "no, but..." whatever or argument, it's a structured, thoughtful response.  

Dianne:   6:58
Something else about "no", "but", or "however", is that when you use it immediately after someone has talked or said something, it completely minimizes whatever that person said. So a few weeks ago, we did a podcast about minimizing and apologizing, minimizing yourself. When you use "no", "but", or "however", it dismisses or minimizes what the other person just said. Think about when you say a sentence. Think about examples where you've said "no", "but", or "however". When you're using those terms at the beginning of your sentence, you were rejecting or denying whatever it is that someone else just said. "No, but blah, blah, blah. But what about this? But what about that?" You're disregarding and rejecting whatever that person just said. And regardless of if you feel heard, if you feel like your points aren't getting listened to, that they're not listening to you, you can't control that. You can control how you respond. And if you're responding in a way that tells the other person you're not listening, is that how you want to show up in the conversation? I know that there's a tendency or a temptation when someone's not listening to you, for you to not listen to them. It becomes just a big, huge, vicious circle, right? Neither of you are listening to each other. Why are you even speaking? Someone has to take accountability for responding in a way that moves the conversation forward instead of just getting stuck into this thing where two people are saying words but neither party is listening at all.  

Dianne:   8:19
There's a book I know I've talked about it before, called What Got You Here Won't Get You There by Marshall Goldsmith, and he talks about how, with his clients, he's actually fined them. Like one guy had a really bad habit of arguing with everything that Marshall would say by starting his sentences with "no", but", or "however", and he started fining the guy. He told the guy, "I don't think you can, I don't think you can break this habit. I don't think you can stop doing that". And the guy was like, "Of course, I can!", and I think he said, "I'll pay you 100 bucks every time I say it". And Marshall got like, $500 out of him the first time. Like in the first couple hours or few hours or something. That was really interesting because it's one of those things where we think we don't do it or we don't notice how much we do it until we really listen to ourselves. And when you think about the effect that that seemingly harmless habit has on the people that are listening to you, it becomes really important for the sake of your relationships. For the sake of the communication with the people that you have around you, that you fix it and you figure out a different way to communicate, you figure out a different way to get your point across.  

Dianne:   9:24
There's a few ways that I've found pretty effective, and I still, you know, just like with everything else that I talk about on this podcast. I still do this. I do it. I catch myself doing it all the time. But there are some things that I have been able to successfully put into practice most of the time that I wanted to tell you about today.  

Dianne:   9:43
So one and probably my favorite one is "yes, and" and I know there's a few people listening to this podcast going "ah ha!" because that's definitely something that you hear about a lot. Instead of saying "but", say "and". Or say "yes, and". And what I like about "yes, and" or just "and" is that it's additive and it's not negative. So when I say "no, but" or something like that, I'm denying what the person is saying. If I say "yes, and" then I am taking what was given to me, I'm accepting it, and I'm adding on to it. And they use this in improv classes all the time. From what I understand, I've never been to an improv class, but I have seen it and heard about it that when you go to an improv class, someone will say something and it's your job to take what they said and build on it. So you're "yes, and". And that is what we should be doing in communication. So when somebody tells you something rather than denying it or rejecting it outright, think about what would happen if you said "yes, and" and added to it. You could add on a different point of view. You could add on more detail. You could add on your perspective, but you're not denying what was just told to you.

Dianne:   10:55
Another use of  "and" is to put "and" instead of "but". "I am listening to you and I have another point of view. I am listening to you, and have you thought about this? I am listening to you and I don't agree" instead of "I'm listening to you, but I don't agree. I'm listening to you, but you don't make sense."

Dianne:   11:10
"I'm listening to you, and I don't understand what you're saying." When you use "and" instead of "but", again you're adding to, you're accepting what was just said and giving more information as opposed to denying or rejecting what was just said.  

Dianne:   11:23
Another thing I like to do is separate my sentences. So rather than try to conflate the positive thing I'm saying with the negative thing I'm saying I separate those sentences out. So "I hear you, but you're not making sense" might become "I hear you. That must be frustrating. Have you thought about xyz" or "I'm listening and I'm trying to understand. I'm not sure that I understand what you just said, though. Can you tell me a little bit more detail or can you tell me more about that? I hear you. I think I understand. Have you thought about this?" All of that...you could say "I hear you, but have you thought about...I hear you, but you're not thinking about this... or I hear you, but you're not seeing my point of view." All of those things can take the place of that "but".

Dianne:   12:06
Another thing, I think some of the reason why we jump in, number one, is when I when I catch myself jumping in and saying "no, but but but what about this? but what about that" is that I am not actually listening and taking in what the person was saying. I'm listening for my turn to talk. And as soon as they close their mouth, I jump in with my thoughts. If you can insert a pause. So someone's talking, they're saying something, you have something you want to say, but... instead of focusing...haha! You have something you want to say, period. Instead of focusing on jumping in with that information, really listen to what the other person is telling you. You don't have to agree. You don't have to go along with it. You can, you can disagree with someone without arguing with them. So give it a pause. Think about what they said, and be intentional about your response. If if you feel like you have to jump in and say something, then just tell them "I'm processing. Let me, give me just a sec while I think about this", or "I'm figuring out how to articulate my response" or whatever it is that lets them know you heard them. You're not jumping in with a response right away and that you're doing something. You're not just sitting there silent. I think that we get so excited to make our point and we feel like we're not being heard. And we feel like this point is so important to be made. There is always going to be time to make your point. If you're in a in a meeting or a discussion with your spouse or conversation with your kids, you don't have to make your point right away. You can take the time to listen to that person, listen to what they're saying and then formulate a response that gets your point across but also acknowledges what they were saying and acknowledges their point.  

Dianne:   13:43
So I think that's all I have for today. I hope this one was super quick, I think. I hope you found it helpful. We'll be back on Wednesday for sure, this time, with season three episode...that'll be season three episode three, at that time. So I hope you guys are staying safe. Wash your hands, please. Take care of yourselves. Don't freak out. Stay calm and I'll talk to you next time. Bye now.